For God’s Sake

My friend, Jenny, sent me a gift set from the Forbidden City to celebrate the upcoming Chinese New Year.

“A few fun things to play with,” her note said.

I ripped the box open and a bunch of red-colored things fell out. There were red stickers with Chinese text on them. I picked the small diamond-shaped one and stuck it on my laptop. There were a few rolled-up papers. I took off the rubber band and unrolled the sheets. They were two portrait illustrations that looked like characters from a cool Chinese animated series.

I should put them up, I looked at the living room wall, but the red illustrations didn’t complement the color palette. I walked into the bedroom and then to my study, but there weren’t any vacant spots. Wait a second, I looked into the shower, found the tape in the cabinet, and put the portraits up on the wall. I sat down on the closed lid of the commode and examined the illustrations. They are so cool, I thought, love this time of the year.

The Chinese New Year, also known as the Spring Festival is the most solemn festival of the year for every Chinese and has been celebrated in China for thousands of years. Even though I have been in China for a while now, I never get to celebrate it in the real Chinese way, because I always leave the country at that time of the year. The upcoming holiday would have been different but China gave up on its zero-COVID policy a few weeks ago, so now we are free to travel the world.

I put the tape back into the cabinet, walked to the living room, and examined the rest of the things in the gift box. There was a pack of red envelopes, the ones people use for cash. My eyes widened. I pulled out the first one and opened it. It was empty. I threw it in the recycling bin and picked the next one. That one was empty as well. I sighed and threw them all in the bin. What’s the point? I thought, who uses cash now a day anyways? I shook my head. The only time I carry cash is when I’m traveling outside China.

Then I remembered I needed to get US dollars for my upcoming trip. Who should I ask? I wondered. In China, getting foreign currency is extremely hard for expatriates. You need to provide a bunch of documents to the bank, like your tax sheets, company contract, and other useless stuff. The easiest way is to ask a Chinese friend because they can just walk into the bank and get you whatever you want.

“When do you leave for Brazil?” my friend texted me.

“Next week.”

“Cool, so we can meet before I leave for Brussels,” Jenny wrote, “I’ll be in Shenzhen this week.”

We planned to meet for lunch at a new Turkish restaurant in town but when we got there, it was closed. The shopkeeper next door told us that the owner and a few kitchen staff were COVID-positive, so they’ll reopen next week. I suggested a French restaurant close by but Jenny was craving Turkish.

“We can go to Mevlana,” I said, “but it’ll take 20 minutes.”

“Sounds good.”

We hopped in a cab and made our way to the other Turkish restaurant. After five minutes, my friend asked the cab driver to pull over. “What happened?” I asked. “I need to get Euros for Brussels,” she pointed at the China Merchant Bank. “Now?” I said. “You know me,” she laughed, “otherwise I’ll forget it,” she got out and walked towards the bank.

“Jenny, wait,” I shouted. She paused and turned around. I got out of the cab, “can you get me US dollars?” I said, “I need it for Brazil.”

The cab driver said something in Chinese that I didn’t understand. “Pay him,” Jenny said, “and let him go.” So I did and we walked into the bank.

After we got the Euros and the US dollars, I told Jenny that it wouldn’t be smart to walk around with all that cash. So we decided to drop it off at my place as it was closer to where we were than Jenny’s hotel. We got into a new cab and made our way to my place. When we arrived outside my building, I took both envelopes from Jenny and got out.

“Wait,” Jenny said, “I need to pee.”

We came to my apartment and I put the cash on the table. “Cool,” Jenny touched the red sticker on my laptop, “clever use,” she said.

“Loved your gift,” I said and led her to the bathroom, “I can put on some loud music if you wanna take a dump.”

“Shut up,” she laughed, “no wonder you’re single,” she shook her head and closed the bathroom door.

“Make some room for the Turkish kabobs,” I laughed.

“For God’s sake!” she shouted.

I snuck my head toward the bathroom and laughed.

“Why are you so dumb?” she said and turned the tap on.

“That’s why you love me,” I said, “there are fresh towels on the rack.”

“Not talking about your sense of humor,” she opened the bathroom door, “you dumb ass.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“You’re supposed to put these on your door,” she pointed at the portraits of the animated characters in the bathroom.

“Why?” I shrugged my shoulders, “I love seeing them when I’m taking a dump,” I laughed.

“How long have you been in China?” Jenny asked.

“Long enough.”

“And you can’t tell the difference between cartoons and Chinese Gods?” she put her hands on her waist.

“Gods?”

She nodded, “they protect against evil influences,” she took the illustrations off the bathroom wall.

Fuck me, I thought, why do I always do these kinds of shit?

“I’m starving,” Jenny grabbed her handbag and walked towards the door with the illustrations.

Is she taking the Gods with her? I wondered how badly I fucked up, should I say something?

“Let’s go,” she said and opened the door.

“Coming,” I said and saw the discarded red envelopes in the recycling bin. I pulled them out and placed them next to the foreign currency on the table. When I walked to the door, I saw Jenny put up the portraits of the Chinese Gods outside my door.

“So…” I put on my boots, “have I not offended them yet?” I asked.

“Who do you think brought all that cash into your home?” Jenny smiled.

“So I get to keep the Euros too?” I laughed.

“He thinks he’s funny,” Jenny looked at the Gods and closed the door.